It’s really scary for me to sit down and write this post, but I’m trying hard to Be Brave…so here we go!
Since I was a teenager, I have struggled with who I am. You see, I’m a perfectionist and I live with anxiety, which means I am really (really) good, at bullying myself. I make a lot of goals, but usually talk myself out of them quickly because I’m not achieving them in the “right” way. What is the right way? I don’t even know most of the time!
thought hoped this year was going to be different, but here we are almost a month in and that familiar track plays in my mind….reminding me that I am not in control and that things aren’t happening the way I “planned”. And I have been letting it play, and letting it control my days. If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen that I shared some feelings on living with Anxiety.
My goal with this platform is to be open and honest, and to support other mamas so I shared those feelings in the hopes that maybe another would read it and know they aren’t alone. But also as an attempt to finally shut that record off, as if maybe writing in down would be facing it head on and make it go away. But, it didn’t. I got so many messages of love and support, which I so appreciate, I have been lifted up. But the record still plays, some days quiet and some days loud…always there.
So, whats a girl to do? I’ve been asking that question for along time now, with really no answer. And, I don’t know what else to do, but try something new. So while I am still going to focus on being brave this year, I’m making a little shift. I’m changing my mentality, instead of going for this “New Year New Me” deal, I am embracing something different. And that’s me, just the way I am. New Year, Same Me. And let me tell you, that’s probably going to take more bravery than many things I’ve done.
This means that I am embracing all things about me…including my flaws. All the things that I have looked at for the last 15+ years, as negatives.This year I turn 30 (I know!!) and I have wasted too much time trying to be something or someone different. I don’t think this means I cannot make effort to make better choices, or do things differently. Of course there is always room to do better.
But this mentality shift, means I’m not reaching toward something that feels so far away. It means that NOT making changes, doesn’t mean I cannot be happy or that I failed. Trying is enough, there is no perfect or planned place that I need to be. And I really do believe that with true self love, it is easier to make better choices. When you love yourself, you give yourself grace to get through those growing pains and to let go of ideals that really just aren’t that important.
So, I am the same old me…I’m still going to fight anxiety every day, I’m still going to talk to much and too loud, and I’m probably still going to eat too much ice cream. But this is the year that I don’t try to shove that girl out the door, but welcome her in with open arms. Hopefully she doesn’t mind my messy house.
I want my children to see me love myself and to learn to love themselves. I want them to feel like they can accomplish anything and I want them to see that I feel that way about myself too.
This journey to Self Love, probably won’t be a smooth one, but I would love it if you would join me for the ride. It may be bumpy, but I can guarantee lots of laughter along the way!
I'm Aryn, and I'm so glad you are here! I am a plus size mom on a journey to self love. Passionate about maternal mental health, good skin care, and keeping it real. Here you'll find my musings on motherhood, favorite things, and hopefully a little solidarity too. So grab your favorite drink (Diet Coke for me!) and stay awhile! I can't wait to be friends! Read More